A Heartfelt Thank You to Kristen Johnston

Dearest Kristen,

I want to thank you for helping me change myself for the better, and for bringing some amazing people into my life.

I encountered you on Twitter quite by accident.  I think you popped up as a "people you might like to follow" recommendation, and I thought Sure, I've always liked her!  I wonder what she's been doing all these years?  (I admit, I hadn't heard of The Exes until a few months ago.)  I've always enjoyed you as an actress, but I've never been one to follow the lives of celebrities- not even the ones I like the most.  I'll watch movies and tv shows because of specific actors, but that's about the extent of it.  I've never really even had the desire to meet any of my favorites.  So, I had no idea you had been an addict, or that you almost died.  I had no idea you had written a book, and were now a champion for change, working tirelessly to transform attitudes toward addiction and recovery. 

When I checked out your timeline, you were talking about teen addiction.  As the mother of four children, living in an upper-middle class community, where prescription drugs abound, and find their way to the high school in the blink of an eye, it's a topic I take seriously.  Addiction, in general, is very near to my heart as the daughter of an alcoholic, and the half-sister of two recovering addicts.  I commented on whatever it was you tweeted, and I was shocked when you responded to me almost instantly.  You asked if I had read your book (which I had never heard of) and I said I would check it out.  It was not what I expected.  I never could have guessed what I would gain from reading Guts.

I never anticipated I would be touched so deeply by your story, or that in some ways it would describe me.  I never expected the story of an actress-slash-addict finding her way to sobriety would resonate with me, and change me at my core.  After reading Guts, and getting to know you and some of your friends through our interactions, I wanted to change myself.  I wanted to come out from under the blanket of pain and sadness that had been suffocating me for so long.  I had no idea how that would happen though.  I'll admit, I started talking with you every chance I could, because I became captivated by your honesty- even when that honesty was directed at me, and you were calling me out for my negativity.  I hated you for it sometimes.  (Is this is a good time to confess that Rainbow Fart was a passive aggressive middle finger to you on one of my bad days?)  But after I sat with your words for awhile, I knew you were right about whatever you had said to me.  When I recently told you that you make me want to be a better person, I meant it with every fiber of my being.  And not because you're Kristen Johnston The Actress, because I really don't think of you that way, but rather because you're this really cool chick, who makes me laugh, and who also makes me think- someone I would choose as a friend in real life.  I feel like I really should be too old to need someone to look up to, but apparently I'm not.

The whole point of all of this, and what I will never be able to thank you enough for, is the wonderful people that have come into my life because of you.  How or why this happened, I'll never understand.  But I am grateful beyond measure that our paths crossed when they did.  Without you, I would never have started opening up my heart to let people in, and I would never have gotten to know these amazing girls you've introduced me to.  Before meeting you, I honestly didn't think that I needed to open my heart.  I had convinced myself years ago that I was perfectly fine being alone.  Thank you for showing me how very wrong I was.  You and these beautiful girls have made me laugh, and moved me to tears on several occasions.  Every single day I am touched by the strength and love that radiates from within these girls, and how they hold each other up when one of them needs it.  I have been profoundly changed by all of you, and although these words will never ever be enough, from the very bottom of my soul, I thank you.

With much love and admiration,
Lisa

I Hate Mommies

Okay, not really.  Wait, no... I actually do hate some of them.

I learned in middle and high school that girls can be catty, back-stabbing bitches.  That lesson was re-enforced in college (and being a dancer, I learned that gay boys could be just as bad,) and then again when I joined the "real" world and got a grown-up job.  I've always hated working in an office full of nothing but women.  Dear god, at least give me a male manager!  I know, I know, that's not very women's lib of me, so sue me!  I've had numerous bad experiences with female coworkers and managers who were overly dramatic, and took any difference of opinion as a personal attack.  Don't get me wrong, I have encountered some truly amazing women in my almost 42 years, whom I will always be grateful for, but so many are assholes, who take pride in being terrible to other women, and they seem to be getting worse!

Now, even though I have known for a long time that women could be awful to each other, absolutely nothing prepared me for what would happen when I became a mother.  I was living in a fool's paradise believing that I was joining a loving, supportive community of women who were all on the same journey of raising small humans.  What I learned quickly is that when you have kids, every single thing you do, from the moment of conception, is put under a microscope, and then quickly ripped to shreds.

There is this lovely subset of moms known as sanctimommies.  These are the moms that act as if they are better than everyone else, and they are quick to point out how you are doing everything wrong.  They behave as though motherhood is a contest, and they battle daily in the mommy wars to prove they are the best.  And yes, these are all things that I have witnessed myself... some of them were even directed at me!

• You're having a home birth? That's dangerous, and your baby could die!
• You're delivering in a hospital and having an epidural? Doctors don't care about your well being.  They'll try to force you into a c-section for the higher insurance payout.  And the drugs are dangerous for your baby! 
• You're unable to breastfeed? That's highly unlikely.  You must not have tried hard enough, and now your bond with your baby will be affected.  
• I have no respect for a mother who chooses formula!
• I only use cloth diapers, because disposables are made with dangerous chemicals.  I would never jeopardize my baby like that!  
• You don't vaccinate?  You are putting your child at risk!  As well as all of the other children!
• You do vaccinate?  Vaccines cause autism!!!
• Circumcision is mutilation.  It's your son's penis, not yours, and you have no right to choose for him!
• If you don't use this car seat then you clearly don't value your child's safety enough. 
• I have the toughest job in the world- I'm a sahm!  I work 24/7 as a chauffeur, cook, nurse, maid, and educator, raising the next generation, and I do it all for free!
• I have a full-time job, and I still have to do all the same things that a lazy sahm does.  
• I feel so sorry for the kids whose moms don't volunteer in their classroom. 

And on, and on, and on.....

To these holier-than-thou moms, there is truly nothing more thrilling than pointing out how they are far superior to you, and because of it, their kids are a cut above yours.  Even better, they are sure to let you know that your kids will suffer because of your sub-par choices.  I will never in a million years understand that mentality.

My first encounter with a sanctimommy was while I was at the park with my kids.  I hadn't been a mom for long- less than a year- but I already had a 5 year old, a 3 year old, and what appeared to be a tiny newborn.  I was flying by the seat of my pants trying to figure things out, and I was so desperate for someone with experience to throw me a lifeline, that I was elated when another mom showed up at the park.  As she made her way over to where I was sitting, I'm pretty sure I already planned out how we would hit it off instantly, and become best friends.  Zack, my apparent newborn, was actually about 4 1/2 months old at the time.  He had spent three months in the NICU, and had only been home for about 6 weeks. He was still tiny (less than 8 lbs) and looked like a newborn.  Because of his prematurity, he was on a special preemie formula, which I was feeding to him while my older boys played.  My conversation with Sanctimommy started out amiable, but then it quickly turned to something entirely different.  She started questioning why I wasn't breastfeeding my newborn- didn't I know breast was best? Didn't I know he would be healthier and have a higher IQ?  Didn't I know I would bond better with him by breastfeeding?  I tried explaining the circumstances to her, but she wasn't interested in hearing any of it.  She was too pleased with herself for pointing out what she perceived to be errors in my parenting choices.

By the time Sanctimommy left, I was fighting back tears.  She knew nothing about me.  She knew nothing of the struggles I had already faced with my baby, and she certainly knew nothing of the things I was still struggling with.  None of that matters to a sanctimommy though.  The only thing that does matter to a sanctimommy, is being sanctimonious.  The good news is that as my kids get older, I encounter fewer and fewer of these types of moms.  Or maybe I just don't pay any attention to them anymore, because I'm more confident in my parenting than I was 9 years ago.

Here's the thing- being a mom is hard!  We doubt ourselves every single day.  A lot of times we don't know if we're doing things right, and we may not know until our children leave the nest.  The last thing that any of us needs, is a member of the club making us feel worse.  Instead of tearing each other down, we should be building each other up, and cheering each other on.  Ultimately there are not many wrong ways of raising a child.  We can all do it differently, and we can all be right.  It's crucial that we, as women, get better at accepting each others differences.  After all, isn't that what we're supposed to be teaching these little humans we're raising?

Misery Loves Company

We have all had pain in our lives.  There isn't a single person on this planet who is immune from experiencing some sort of anguish.  We often search out others who have had similar experiences, because it makes us feel better to know we are not alone in our suffering.  It feels good to have a sense of connection, and to have someone to commiserate with- to be able to say "YES! I know exactly what that feels like!  I too am walking that path!!!"  

Sometimes that path is not identical though.  Often times, what may seem to be the same journey, actually takes us to very different destinations.  And sometimes these different destinations can become contentious between people.  I see this daily in the prematurity community.  Two moms compare notes on their babies who were born at the same gestation and weight, but one baby does remarkably well, and one baby will struggle with life-long challenges.  The mom with the sicker baby lashes out because she is hurting, and because it's not fair that her baby is worse off than the other.  Should the mom with the healthier baby feel guilty?  Should she be made to feel that her journey and feelings are any less valid?  Absolutely not!  So often, I see exchanges in which one person shares an experience, and another person proclaims that the first shouldn't complain, because "it could have been worse."  Well duh!  Of course, everything can always be worse!  Just because it could be worse, or someone else is worse off, does not negate anyone's struggle.

And what happens when one of us gets better... or has an easier time with something that was hard as hell for another?  All too often I see a person who has shared their story of pain, or illness, or whatever it happens to be, along with their triumph over their struggle, and the result is bitterness from some of those still in the trenches fighting the battle.  It's as if nobody is allowed to be happy around them, because it's taken as a personal affront.  Most people want to recover from whatever it is that ails them. (I say most, because there are some people who wear their pain like a diamond encrusted tiara, as if their pain is what is most important, and it's what we should see first.  As if their struggle is what defines them.)  So, if most of us want to heal, why is it so hard for some to allow others to bask in their happiness?  They would want people to be happy for them, right?  Is it jealousy?  Is it self-pity?  Loss and sorrow?  Perhaps it's a nice tidy package of all of those things.

It's so important to remember that we all have pain of some kind- we have that in common.  What varies is our backstories.  We all have different ways of coping, and different ways of recovering, based on where we are in our lives, and how we got there.  It should never be okay to judge or diminish someone else's journey.  We should be able to support one another as human beings, and be kind and comforting, even if our journeys differ.  We should be able to allow others their happiness, as we would want ours allowed.  Life isn't about who had it worse... it's about being kind and loving toward each other.