And the Wall Came Tumbling Down

Yesterday was the six year anniversary of my Dad's death.  I try really hard not to think about him, because it hurts so much.  When I do, the tears start flowing instantly.  For the past six years, I have walled off the part of my heart where my Dad resides, but the last couple of days I have been failing miserably at keeping that wall intact.  I can't stop crying.  As I type this post, I am crying.  

I miss my Dad more than words can say.  I hate that only two of my children are old enough to remember their grandfather.  I hate that he was taken from us so young- we had celebrated his 59th birthday just a month earlier.   Well, we recognized his birthday. There really was no celebrating, because we knew he was slipping away.  He was barely aware of us at that point.  I don't think he even recognized me anymore, and that was more painful than his passing.  

I need to figure out how to get the wall firmly rebuilt. I feel myself slipping into a place I don't want to be.  I know I should probably allow myself to feel whatever I need to right now, but I'm too afraid I won't recover from the pain.  So I'll just block it out instead.