I mentioned in my last blog post that I don't really have any close friends. That has been true for quite some time. Since writing that post, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection to figure out why this is so, and more importantly, how to fix it. There are several reasons to explain how I've gotten to this point in my life. It's partly because of my feelings of inadequacy- I've always felt like an outsider, and that I never really fit in anywhere. And part of it has to do with my need to connect with people whom I can try to fix (in an effort to avoid my own issues, I'm sure.) But more recently (if 9 1/2 years can be considered recent) it has to do with family tragedies leading to depression, anxiety, and a little bit of PTSD. Oh, and let's also throw-in trying to figure out how to connect to the mother and siblings I hadn't seen since 1980.
This isn't going to be a "boo-hoo, woe is me" type of post, though. It could easily be that, but really, what's the point? I experienced things that were soul crushing. I lost the people that I thought were friends, and I have been drowning in sadness for years. I've struggled to get my head back above water for quite some time now, with very little success. That's not the point of this post though. The purpose of this is to be hopeful and positive.
I feel like I have been slowly suffocating for almost 10 years. I'm ready to breathe again. It's exhausting to always be alone in a crowd, wishing that someone would try to reach out to me, and at the same time, praying like hell that I'm blending into the background enough, so that no one notices me. I'm ready to open my heart, and tear down the walls that I've built around myself. I'm tired of being lonely.
But how do I begin? Making real, true friends isn't as easy as it was when I was 5, and I could walk up to another kid and say, "Hi, wanna play?" I know I just have to take things one day at a time, and relearn how to be comfortable around people. I also know that I can't force a relationship. If someone is meant to be a part of my life, they will be. I worry though, that most people can't handle the type of friend that I am. I am honest and loyal, and I love with every fiber of my being. I am not the friend that vanishes when things get tough. I am both the rock, and the candle in the darkness. Being those things fulfills my lifelong need to matter to someone... to feel important. My biggest fear is that I will come on too strong, and seem too needy. Or that I will just continue to keep the world at arm's length, because then I don't have to worry about people not liking me.
For today, in this moment, I have broken through the surface of the water. I am filling my lungs with the fresh air, and fighting to stay afloat.
Ok, trying again. First, this is fantastic. I'm gonna tweet it tomorrow, I think many people will relate.
ReplyDeleteI'm proud of you, for your honesty and for fighting to stay afloat.
I only know you via twitter, so you could be a total lunatic...but I don't think you are, at all.
My sense is that you are smart, funny, loyal & generous to a fault.
If I could wish one thing for you, it would be that you try to stop speaking so negatively about yourself. I understand this compulsion, I used to do it all the time. If I locked my keys in the car, I'd say "God I'm such a dumb cunt." If someone dumped me I'd say "What took you so long? I'm a loser & ugly & bad in bed & crazy & awful."
Theres a big difference between self-deprecation & self-hatred.
Think of it this way...Lets say you came & saw me in a play. You have a wonderful time, you're transported, it's fabulous. But I take a bow looking annoyed & mortified, and afterwards the minute I see you I start going into reasons I sucked, and all the things wrong with it.
So, even though that wasn't your experience, the evening is forever tainted by all the bad things I said.
Maybe you even start to doubt yourself..."God, maybe she DID suck..."
At any rate, I no longer do this, and it's helped me immeasurably. My shrink recommended I first go one day, then one week without saying anything negative abt myself out loud.
Finally, I re-trained myself. Am I suggesting you giddily lie abt yourself? no. But telling someone how bad your blog is before they read it, or that you're not a good person, or not worthy of kindness, etc etc....it's unfair to the other person who thinks you're cool & your writing excellent.
Please feel free to delete this, I just didn't want to write 5 million DMs
One more thing...keep in mind that many young, impressionable people and many trying so hard to be happy & sober & healthy follow me, and now you.
ReplyDeleteI'm not asking you to lie.
Just, instead of "I'm a shitty writer" maybe "My greatest fear is that someone will think I'm a shitty writer"
You know?
Much love
Thank you so much for your honest feedback, Kristen. I truly appreciate it. I know I need to stop being so negative about myself. It's not that I necessarily always believe the things that I say, but there was definitely a time that I did. Putting myself down has always been a sort of defense mechanism for me, and it's become a habit. I do it anytime I feel self conscious, or I worry that someone could possibly judge me negatively. I guess I feel that if I go ahead and say outloud what someone else could be thinking, then it won't bother me if they really are thinking it. I've been working on improving my internal dialogue for years, but clearly this is something I need more focus on.
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