You Can Have My Chocolate Pudding

I always seem to attract them- people that need fixing.  Maybe it's because I'm kind of broken too, so we're drawn to each other. Maybe it's because I keep my crazy (mostly) hidden away, so I seem like a safe harbor.  Maybe I purposely seek out people I can try to fix, to take my focus away from my own issues.  I don't know what it is exactly.  What I do know is that it can be a lonely existence.  These broken souls that I collect are so wrapped up in themselves, that none of them bother to really get to know me.  And when I am no longer of any use to them, they tend to drop me like a diseased hooker.

I don't actually have any close friends.  I'm not even really very close to anyone in my family (with the exception of my hubby and kids.)  I seem to have a hard time staying connected to people in general.  I'm sure it stems from my abandonment issues as a child.  I wish I wasn't this way.  I truly wish I could make friends as easily as everyone else seems to.  I see others with their circle of friends, getting together, having fun, and it makes me sad that I don't have that.  I've tried in the past- I really have. But as soon as I start to get to know someone, I pull away. I refuse to let them through the brick wall I've built around myself.  Or, better yet, I find out that the person is highly toxic, and slightly insane.  And once they know I've found out their truth, they turn on me and try to bring me down too. 

The worst part of it is that I know I am a fiercely loyal friend.  I am there for whomever needs me.  But I never feel that in return from anyone.  Instead, I feel like a hanger-on... an annoying third wheel... the younger sister that your mom forces you to take to the mall with you.  I somehow have become that kid from school that was really nice to everyone, but seemed like they were trying too hard to be friends with you.  The one that would give you her chocolate pudding, even though you didn't ask for it.