Not Quite Regrets

I had big dreams.  When I was six, my dream was that Cher was my real mother.  When I was eight, I wanted to be a singer, just like Dolly Parton.  By eleven, I just wanted to be rich and famous.  Once I started high school, I fell in love with drama and dance.  I just knew I would become an actress and a dancer someday.

I got a part in the first play I auditioned for my freshman year.  I played "Rose the Bag Lady" in Sweeney Todd (the non-musical version.)  I had the time of my life, but I never acted in another play, because although I loved it, I couldn't handle the teasing, and being called a drama geek by the popular kids.  I worked backstage for several other plays during those four years of school, but I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as being onstage.  There was just something so magical about being under the lights, and becoming someone else (a skill I practiced in my head often as a young child.)  I always envied the people that stuck with theater- the ones with thicker skin, who apparently already knew that when high school was over, none of that crap would matter.  I really wish they would have let me in on that secret!

I managed to stick with dance through high school, and it was the only place I felt truly happy.  I still didn't quite fit in.  I was still mostly an outsider, but I pretended it didn't bother me much.  I busied myself with dance rehearsals, and having the outward appearance of being self-confident.  When I moved on to (community) college, I was shocked to find out that I could major in dance.  For the next couple of years, I worked hard to hone my craft, dancing up to six hours a day. I connected with an amazing teacher, who gave me so much confidence in myself, that I believed I would someday have a career in dance.  She also connected with me on a personal level, and made me feel like I mattered to her.  She encouraged me to move on and audition for a spot in the Dance Department at Long Beach State.  I was terrified the day of the audition, but I just knew I would be accepted- and I was!! 

I only spent a year at Long Beach though.  All of my insecurities came crashing back around me and were suffocating me.  So I quit.  I wanted so badly to go back, but I was paralyzed with fear and self doubt.   I have always wondered what could have been.  Would I have joined a company?  Danced in videos?  Failed miserably, and ended up right where I am now?  I'll never know.

I've often said that I regret not sticking with acting and dance, but that's not quite true.  If I hadn't given into my fears and insecurities, my life would be very different right now.  I would likely not have my husband or my amazing children, and I would never trade them for the world (at least on most days!)  They are the only things in my life that I know, without a doubt, will never vanish.  They are the only people in this world with whom I have an unbreakable bond.  So to say that I regret the things I missed out on in the past is really not right, because that would mean that I regret where life has taken me.  The path my life has taken has certainly not been easy, but I wouldn't change it, for fear of changing where I have ended up.