Okay, not really. Wait, no... I actually do hate some of them.
I learned in middle and high school that girls can be catty, back-stabbing bitches. That lesson was re-enforced in college (and being a dancer, I learned that gay boys could be just as bad,) and then again when I joined the "real" world and got a grown-up job. I've always hated working in an office full of nothing but women. Dear god, at least give me a male manager! I know, I know, that's not very women's lib of me, so sue me! I've had numerous bad experiences with female coworkers and managers who were overly dramatic, and took any difference of opinion as a personal attack. Don't get me wrong, I have encountered some truly amazing women in my almost 42 years, whom I will always be grateful for, but so many are assholes, who take pride in being terrible to other women, and they seem to be getting worse!
Now, even though I have known for a long time that women could be awful to each other, absolutely nothing prepared me for what would happen when I became a mother. I was living in a fool's paradise believing that I was joining a loving, supportive community of women who were all on the same journey of raising small humans. What I learned quickly is that when you have kids, every single thing you do, from the moment of conception, is put under a microscope, and then quickly ripped to shreds.
There is this lovely subset of moms known as sanctimommies. These are the moms that act as if they are better than everyone else, and they are quick to point out how you are doing everything wrong. They behave as though motherhood is a contest, and they battle daily in the mommy wars to prove they are the best. And yes, these are all things that I have witnessed myself... some of them were even directed at me!
- You're having a home birth? That's dangerous, and your baby could die!
- You're delivering in a hospital and having an epidural? Doctors don't care about your well being. They'll try to force you into a c-section for the higher insurance payout. And the drugs are dangerous for your baby!
- You're unable to breastfeed? That's highly unlikely. You must not have tried hard enough, and now your bond with your baby will be affected.
- I have no respect for a mother who chooses formula!
- I only use cloth diapers, because disposables are made with dangerous chemicals. I would never jeopardize my baby like that!
- You don't vaccinate? You are putting your child at risk! As well as all of the other children!
- You do vaccinate? Vaccines cause autism!!!
- Circumcision is mutilation. It's your son's penis, not yours, and you have no right to choose for him!
- If you don't use this car seat then you clearly don't value your child's safety enough.
- I have the toughest job in the world- I'm a sahm! I work 24/7 as a chauffeur, cook, nurse, maid, and educator, raising the next generation, and I do it all for free!
- I have a full-time job, and I still have to do all the same things that a lazy sahm does.
- I feel so sorry for the kids whose moms don't volunteer in their classroom.
To these holier-than-thou moms, there is truly nothing more thrilling than pointing out how they are far superior to you, and because of it, their kids are a cut above yours. Even better, they are sure to let you know that your kids will suffer because of your sub-par choices. I will never in a million years understand that mentality.
My first encounter with a sanctimommy was while I was at the park with my kids. I hadn't been a mom for long- less than a year- but I already had a 5 year old, a 3 year old, and what appeared to be a tiny newborn. I was flying by the seat of my pants trying to figure things out, and I was so desperate for someone with experience to throw me a lifeline, that I was elated when another mom showed up at the park. As she made her way over to where I was sitting, I'm pretty sure I already planned out how we would hit it off instantly, and become best friends. Zack, my apparent newborn, was actually about 4 1/2 months old at the time. He had spent three months in the NICU, and had only been home for about 6 weeks. He was still tiny (less than 8 lbs) and looked like a newborn. Because of his prematurity, he was on a special preemie formula, which I was feeding to him while my older boys played. My conversation with Sanctimommy started out amiable, but then it quickly turned to something entirely different. She started questioning why I wasn't breastfeeding my newborn- didn't I know breast was best? Didn't I know he would be healthier and have a higher IQ? Didn't I know I would bond better with him by breastfeeding? I tried explaining the circumstances to her, but she wasn't interested in hearing any of it. She was too pleased with herself for pointing out what she perceived to be errors in my parenting choices.
By the time Sanctimommy left, I was fighting back tears. She knew nothing about me. She knew nothing of the struggles I had already faced with my baby, and she certainly knew nothing of the things I was still struggling with. None of that matters to a sanctimommy though. The only thing that does matter to a sanctimommy, is being sanctimonious. The good news is that as my kids get older, I encounter fewer and fewer of these types of moms. Or maybe I just don't pay any attention to them anymore, because I'm more confident in my parenting than I was 9 years ago.
Here's the thing- being a mom is hard! We doubt ourselves every single day. A lot of times we don't know if we're doing things right, and we may not know until our children leave the nest. The last thing that any of us needs, is a member of the club making us feel worse. Instead of tearing each other down, we should be building each other up, and cheering each other on. Ultimately there are not many wrong ways of raising a child. We can all do it differently, and we can all be right. It's crucial that we, as women, get better at accepting each others differences. After all, isn't that what we're supposed to be teaching these little humans we're raising?
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