Misery Loves Company

We have all had pain in our lives.  There isn't a single person on this planet who is immune from experiencing some sort of anguish.  We often search out others who have had similar experiences, because it makes us feel better to know we are not alone in our suffering.  It feels good to have a sense of connection, and to have someone to commiserate with- to be able to say "YES! I know exactly what that feels like!  I too am walking that path!!!"  

Sometimes that path is not identical though.  Often times, what may seem to be the same journey, actually takes us to very different destinations.  And sometimes these different destinations can become contentious between people.  I see this daily in the prematurity community.  Two moms compare notes on their babies who were born at the same gestation and weight, but one baby does remarkably well, and one baby will struggle with life-long challenges.  The mom with the sicker baby lashes out because she is hurting, and because it's not fair that her baby is worse off than the other.  Should the mom with the healthier baby feel guilty?  Should she be made to feel that her journey and feelings are any less valid?  Absolutely not!  So often, I see exchanges in which one person shares an experience, and another person proclaims that the first shouldn't complain, because "it could have been worse."  Well duh!  Of course, everything can always be worse!  Just because it could be worse, or someone else is worse off, does not negate anyone's struggle.

And what happens when one of us gets better... or has an easier time with something that was hard as hell for another?  All too often I see a person who has shared their story of pain, or illness, or whatever it happens to be, along with their triumph over their struggle, and the result is bitterness from some of those still in the trenches fighting the battle.  It's as if nobody is allowed to be happy around them, because it's taken as a personal affront.  Most people want to recover from whatever it is that ails them. (I say most, because there are some people who wear their pain like a diamond encrusted tiara, as if their pain is what is most important, and it's what we should see first.  As if their struggle is what defines them.)  So, if most of us want to heal, why is it so hard for some to allow others to bask in their happiness?  They would want people to be happy for them, right?  Is it jealousy?  Is it self-pity?  Loss and sorrow?  Perhaps it's a nice tidy package of all of those things.

It's so important to remember that we all have pain of some kind- we have that in common.  What varies is our backstories.  We all have different ways of coping, and different ways of recovering, based on where we are in our lives, and how we got there.  It should never be okay to judge or diminish someone else's journey.  We should be able to support one another as human beings, and be kind and comforting, even if our journeys differ.  We should be able to allow others their happiness, as we would want ours allowed.  Life isn't about who had it worse... it's about being kind and loving toward each other.